Hey Gloria!

the winter is coming

2011-11-20T15:19:00.003+01:00

I had wonderful weekend with the Game of Thrones and Ned Stark. And then it changed into fantastic week with Sean Bean, Lord of the Rings and obsessing about certain fanfiction. Good old times. I felt secured and strong and I was constantly amusing myself with little jokes, eventhough my health was kind of worrying. And then one phonecall ruined everything for everybody. Ok, well, maybe not for everybody but at least for me. This is some kind of an absurd situation and I am not really sure how to behave. But I'm starting to think that watching the execution of Ned once more would be a neat idea.
It is sad that I thought that I found new friends and suddenly I realised that they are ignoring me and making me feel socially invisible. All because Kate is so beautiful and elf-like and she draws attention of every male in my enviroment. And for some reason I cannot really connect with her. We would make fantastic friends if I could though. Kinda sad. But it seems that everyone ignores me because of her good qualities and again I've got the part of less interesting and less attractive background. Fuck this shit
Ned Stark, here I come to watch you die.

Lost keys

2011-10-03T23:27:00.003+02:00

And here I am. Starting new degree of studies without money, without work, without own flat, without love. And it's getting cold, outside and inside. There are dementors out there and I need to eat a lot of chocolate. Or I guess I just don't know. When I went on the uni the first time everything was so new, so easy, so fascinating. Now it's just strange. I guess I have friends, I have somebody to talk to, but I have nobody who inspires me, nobody I would like to follow. A student without a master, that's who I am. I don't want to quote "eulogy" once again, but I really need this now. And I need to tell somebody the story of my life.
More and more often I think that this strange something I had with my sweet prince was good. Very good. We were the perfect fit, it's a shame we didn't survive. I guess I partly put the blame on our mutual friend. I wonder how would it be without her bitching about the need of having an relationship. Maybe it would be worse. maybe we got so close and so intimate because our mutual friend became our enemy. I don't know, I miss him and I know I will never talk to him again. It's forbidden by my power of self-respect. If he wanted to have contact with me, he would. I gave him a chance in june, but he ignored it. Whatever. And I'm angry with her, because by ingoring me and not informing about the change of plans she harms me more than he ever had.

dreaming of screaming

2011-08-28T21:21:00.002+02:00

Oh God, this is a trap. And I kind of hate it.
my life is so easy and non-problematic, that I should feel ashamed to even think that I could understand what you have to go through. Because I will never be able to understand how it is to finish three years of relatnionship which should end at least a year earlier. Of course I don't know how it is, but there is something called imagination. I know how I felt when I had to say goodbye and I can somehow cube it. And I'm worried about you and I try to help you somehow, but you just push me away. Because I cannot understand that. Sounds like well-known scheme.
What I really would like to do is to shout at you. Right in your face.
because you underestimate my feelings and when I was right after breakup you tried to convince me not to think about it and that nothing happened. And you would probably kill me if I advised you the same thing. Because you cannot see beyond your suffering. Because you should've finished this something long ago and you have no right to claim that my thing was less serious and less intense because I never called it proper relationship. My stupid six months were as important as your three stupid, empty years, fuck off!
And now I'm really mad at you, but I have to controll myself because I don't want to hurt you when you are so vunerable.

You are not alone dear loneliness

2011-07-04T01:05:00.002+02:00

There really are days when I think I will never forget about last year, about being on the planet of kissing, about black and white shirt. Than your melody really is imprinted in my heart like a wax, even if you forgot my melody a long time ago.
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same, what do you want me to be?
I really want to forget, find someone new, someone better, someone who would be a good math for me. I'm trying to forget, but there are some days when I'm afraid that it's impossible and I am pathetic because of that and nobody listens.

eulogy

2011-06-14T00:27:00.001+02:00

- I didn’t love him.
- But you did, you did! You loved him more than your own sanity!
- Well, that’s probably because I didn’t love my sanity either.
- More than your peace of mind
- that’s a different story.

cuz I'm [still!] so eager to identify with
Someone above the ground,
Someone who seemed to feel the same,
Someone prepared to lead the way, with
Someone who would die for me.

Stranger things have happened I know

2011-06-06T20:13:00.003+02:00

"What do you want from me?"
Simple question. Simple answers.
Kiss you and kill you.
Talk to you
Annoy you
Make you think.
Give you hope that I am your lover-to-be.
Creep you out. Torture.
I don't know. Nothing
There is nothing I can expect from you.
And besides stalking is not legal any more. My life is ruined.

Remember me, special needs

2011-06-02T21:51:00.002+02:00

"Old Gatsby. Old Sport. It killed Me."
Me too, Holden. Me too.
this is the moment I reached perfect understanding witch my Ba thesis's hero. We both love Jay Gatsby.

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved

2011-05-20T01:12:00.002+02:00

7 Impossible things I want to do with someone very close:
1.sit on the roof of a building.
2.Drink aromatic, expensive tea in a beautifull, old teahouse
3.Be given a flower. Let’s say a poppy, or something like that. Just so
4.Sing and play instruments together
5.Text with each other using lyrics and quotes from movies, prose and poetry
6.Travel somewhere far by train
7.Be an ispiration. Have pictures taken and poems written about me.
8.Love and be loved

Stupid me to believe I could depend on stupid you

2011-04-11T11:23:00.002+02:00

So, time to say goodbye once again. It was bad for me. was it bad for you?
"Because the wind... you know, I'm like a wind, I can't stay too long in one place".
Oh, srsly? Well, that's poetic. That's pathetic.
Because, maybe you know the tale about the wind and the rose in the garden? Oh, you don't? You don't know so many things, about life, about people, about literature, creating, about everything I treasure. You've been an ignorant. And yet, you've been my sweet prince.
"When he’s sad
Kiss his forehead and I will thank you
Because he is a young prince
And his robes are too heavy for him
His crown falls down
Around his ears"
Yes! I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR MELODY! It will be imprinted on my heart like wax!
Tehehehe, I'm Eurydice. And now big part of me hates you guts. For making me believe you and then leaving. Coward. Pathetic little creature. A rat that by accident was able to catch an owl and wants to play with the food. Stupid kid. Did you really think I'm fluffy little creature with big eyes who will cling to you no matter what you do? I'm as cruel and manipulative as you, I just hapenned to fall for you because of my mercy. I could've crash you, crash your spirit, but I didn't, you should be gratefull for that. I could've killed you.

You can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium

2011-03-26T17:13:00.002+01:00

The time stopped, I'm just looking at the clock, of the minutes passing. Nothing changes.
I'm so worried about him. Whether he is strong enough to survive this punch. And I don't know how to behave, what to do. I'm helpless, but I want to be strong enough to stand by him. At least for now.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away

2011-03-11T10:55:00.002+01:00

I'm afraid i can fall for you once again. Eventhough I thoutght it was impossible. I'm getting used to you, your presence, your support.
And it's getting hard. And I wish I could be with you for real and I could be loved by you.
Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you jneed somebody to love? wouldn't you love somebody to love...?

I will choke until I swallow.

2011-02-13T21:57:00.002+01:00

Still trying to see my reflection in your eyes. Still unsuccesfull. I see it, maybe for a moment or two and then again I see nothing. I see only you and your problems and your very busy life. Maybe you are just like that, maybe you cannot see anything but yourself. That's pity, becaufe even if you claim that you changed I still cannot see my reflection.

Roulette

2011-01-28T12:46:00.002+01:00

I guess I just don't trust you. I don't like that you are still meeting with her. I don't like the fact that you told me she has a boyfriend and she is 'single' according to her relationship status. Yes, I'm a stalker. Yes, this argument is invalid.
But I told you that I'm just afraid of being hurt. More than i was afraid before. And if I discover you cheat on me with her I guess I will hate you. Just hate you because why did you ask me to come back in the first place. To be a toy in your hands?
I guess I just learnt to expect the worst from you.
And I guess it is better when some things remain unspoken.

And I guess I just don't know

2011-01-12T23:50:00.005+01:00

And here we go again. When I was with you it felt like those past three months didn't happen, that we never said goodbye. It is always so normal and just ok when you are around. Like being with a friend who at the same time is your lover.
And now I'm back home and I'm not sure how I feel about you. Because during those months I was doing my best to forget about you, to tell myself that you are gone, even dead. I guess i don't love you anymore. You are someone special and you will always stay in my heart, but it's not that sweet, innocent feeling anymore. But I was to weak to say 'no' and now I'm to weak to leave again. I can't imagine not being close to you.

Now I'm just the ghost in the corner that nobody knows

2011-01-01T16:53:00.004+01:00

maybe I'm also somebody's imaginary friend.
maybe someone has an imaginary friend who in fact is me.
You can never be sure about that stuff.

christmas carol

2010-12-24T12:44:00.003+01:00

Wooo, sending christmas wishes can be so moving, so loaded with emotions. I almost written I love you.
I didn't.
Oh no, I've written it, but not in serious manner, I was mocking Toki from
'Metalocalypse' and his fucked up grammar. I didn't mean it. Or i did?
At least i didn't mean in 'I'm dying because of you' way.
Or I did?
I'm really not realy sure what I ment when I wrote those words. I know that you've been someone very close and very special and I will always have some feelings for you.
And probably there will be many more situations in which I will imagine, that onyl thing separating me from you is thin, glass wall and only thing i can do is stare at you. Or turn my back and walk away, which I tried to do yesterday and it hurt.

I wish I was like you, easily amused

2010-12-13T11:33:00.003+01:00

Mwahahahaha. It's ironic, isn't it?
I mean... finally I feel I'm in position to say sth like this. I hate this lyrics, because it is so mean, it's like saying "I'm far more dark and complicated than you". But using it now gives me hint of satisfaction. I feel the power of being superior, mwahahaha
Because I wish I could fall in love with every person representing opposite sex that gives me some attention. I could've fell in love with K. but I have bad luck to be picky. So probably I will have to wait next one hundred years of solitude to find someone above the ground again.
Anyway, I'm really happy for you, babe! I can't write it to you right now, because i have to keep distance, but I'm really glad that you started to live again and that I made a good choice this time and I hope you will be ok! Just don't tell her about previous girls, you moron!
I keep my fingers crossed ^^
chirp

Winter kept us warm, covering earth in forgetful snow

2010-12-12T13:38:00.003+01:00

Alert! Forgetfull snow doesn't work!
Yesterday I felt free, I was walking through the snow and singing "Bring me the disco king" and I just felt light and happy and not chained to you anymore.
And now I'm fighting with myself because I don't want to look at your fb, pb, whatever. I just don't want to. Not today. I have to remind myself why i decided to say goodbye and wy we are better off this way. ]
I just have to survive Sunday and then I will feel free again.

It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

2010-11-12T23:37:00.000+01:00

Somehow it still bothers me. No big deal, I just want to know that you are all right and that you feel better. I know I can’t write to you. It wouldn’t do any good – to you and to me. I would start to talk about our glorious past, you would claim that there is no need to come back to those times and now you’re perfectly fine. I know you would, you used to do that a lot. You even tricked me few times, I really was convinced thay you don’t give a damn and I was sad and angry because of it.
Now I know you cared. And that you also suffered after we split. You suffered much more than I did, because you took me to almost every place you usually go to, I was in your room, I slept in your bed, I wore your shirts. So I’m not angry that you became sore and tried to push me away.
I know that I can’t be your friend, not now at least. It’s a little bit sad, but at least I understand. Do you know, what I would like to do the most?
I’d like to appear in front of you, - just like that. Maybe as some kind of ghost or vision. When I lay in bed I’m trying to concentrate on you, and appear in your dream. I would wear your shirt – the one you gave me and I painted it green, red and orange. In this vision it is still black-and-white. You would be lying on your bed, your head turned to the wall. I would sit next to you and touch your arm gently. Then I’d embrace you and whisper quietly to your ear: “I’m sorry for the whole pain I gave you. I hope you’re ok now.” Then I would kiss you in the forehead and stay with you until you fall asleep again.

Heart! We will forget him!

2010-11-06T23:25:00.002+01:00

Heart, we will forget him!
You an I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging.
I may remember him!
(Emily Dickinson)

Heh, easy to say. I still remember him in very peculiar way. i remember his voice, his kisses and his hands. I wonder how he could've felt while touching my body. His face... I cannot bare to look at his face, even on the pictures. It seems hostile to me, because oh how he was acting towards me recently. I just...
I've got Itachi's syndrome again, my mind blocks the things that are too tiring to think about. And that is good.

There's a fine fine line

2010-10-12T22:12:00.002+02:00

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
(Avenue Q)
And many, many other songs, so fitting to the situation? Why does everybody need to write about break-ups? -.-'
I feel hm... relief, because it was in the air since our last meeting. Because i wasn't able to say good-bye when you were so happy. We would start to hate each other if I decided to wait some more time.
And regret, because i wasn't able to change your attitude. And because the sky is over. And because you didn't ask me to stay. It was very warm good-bye though. Like everything between us. Good beggining, very nice meetings, warm farewell. You called me 'princes' one last time. Thank you for everything, my love. Have a good life. You deserve it.
And I deserve it. I'm sad, I can't listen almost half of my playlist, but I know, that I can have more... much more than i could have if I stayed by your side.
Just came to say: goodbye, love, goodbye, love... just came to say: goodbye love..
hello.

For I will never forget your face behind the window of this parting train

2010-10-02T22:44:00.005+02:00

Why it has to be like that? When I'm with you everything is so simple, there are no problems, no understatements, no misunderstanding. I know I love you more than anyone and I don't care for the way our relationship develops. I don't need to talk with you about anything important and be serious. Kids just want to have fun.
Why I can't remember about it when I'm back home? Why I keep thinking about your problems, my problems and problems in general?

One thing I didn't know. I didn't realize that you also feel bad when I'm leaving. Egoistic bitch, I thought I am the one who suffers the most and I'm the one coming back to empty house. I'm sorry, I didn't know... I didn't really think that you care about it, you seemed to be so indifferent.
And I guess I don't want to say goodbye on the train station anymore. Too long, too heartbreaking. Next time I will just get on the bus as if nothing really happened. For I will never forget your face...

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow

2010-09-20T12:12:00.002+02:00

Ok, this is bad. I love you, baby, but I have the impression that I can't help you anymore. I became too weak.
Wonderfull months, they were. I believed that I can help you, i can change you and make you feel better, but now you're sad and dissapointed again and I have the feeling that I let you down. And you let me down, because you're not even trying. I love you, and you're not even trying to work things out.
Why all of this turn out like that? Because I finally slept with you? It is over? In this way? With this feeling that we helped each other to deal with problems and then pushed that problems into our throats? Thanks.

I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

2010-09-03T13:21:00.003+02:00

I love you.
I want you to know that I love you.
At the same time I don't want to be annoying, I don't want you to get bored. I can't force myself to writing romantic crap. But I want you to know how important you are.
I want to know that you love me, even a little. And when you start to tell me this I'm getting annoyed very quickly. Empty words of highschool lover.I mean, I believe in them, I want to believe, but I can't listen to them too often.
I want to be your princess, like at the very beginning.
I have to find my way to express my feelings without annoying both of us.

coin-operated boy

2010-08-31T13:49:00.002+02:00

I remember one moment. We were standing in some kind of dark storeroom, very close to each other. I remember your body, weak, shaking, like if you were about to lose controll. You were leaning on me and I was afraid that you will faint and fall on this dirty floor. You were mine, I had to take care of you, because I was the one who made you so weak. I put all my effort to hold you.
That moment was perfection itself.
In that moment you loved me and I loved you more than ever before.
And I know that if we loved each other even in that short moment, it was worth and I won't regret meeting you.
Whatever the case may be.

that's the doubt

2010-08-06T17:29:00.003+02:00

That's the best - and that's the test in it
That's the doubt - doubt, not trust in it
That's the sight - and that's the sound of it
That's the gift - and that's the trick in it

but this time I don't want to make dramatic decisions after first doubt. let's wait, let's see

Unreal city

2010-07-11T00:01:00.002+02:00

Unreal. Everything so unreal. This saturday morning, your hands, your lips, your shirt. Your voice in my ear.
As if it didn't happen. As if I wasn't lying in your bed.
One day and one night is not enough to believe that you are real.

I'm a rabbit in your headlights, scared of the spotlight

2010-07-02T09:37:00.002+02:00

Hah, looks like I overreacted again.
And well, that completely explains why I don't like falling in love. I'm getting overemotional.
Damn it, I can't be a rabbit, I can't allow myself to be a rabbit. I'm an owl. Someone has to be a beast of prey in this relationship.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light

2010-06-28T18:09:00.005+02:00

It seems to me that this so called 'love' is just a moment of ballance.
Between absolute honesty and lies
Between indifference and obsession
Between selfishness and selflessness
Between fear and illusion of being safe
Between the desperate need of protecting and yearning for being protected

And in that sense yeah, i guess I love you.

With eyes so dialated I've become your pupil

2010-06-14T20:21:00.003+02:00

"One baby to another says
I'm lucky to have met you
I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me
(...)
Chew your meat for you
Pass it back and forth
In a passionate kiss
From my mouth to yours
I like you"
K.C.

That was just... perfect picture of the way this relation is developing.
A pair of egoistic, egocentric kids, we are. Indeed.
It is very positive, though.
But I don't really care, I just want this month to be over.

Eternal youth is the landscape of the lie

2010-06-11T14:33:00.002+02:00

Och crap.
It was kind of cool. It was really nice nad sweet because even if I was aware of certain feelings.. well... more like possibilities of feelings, I had the comfort to ignore them. I didn't give a damn, I had this 'whatever the case may be' attitude.
Until some wise and experienced people decided to enlighten me and tell me that I'm in love.
Which is not the case. I suppose.
But c'mon, now I will have all weekend of 'what if' dillemas.
I don't mean that I don't want to fall in love, it is more the matter of register. "Being in love" is kind of hyperbolisation. Too high level.
I just have a good contact with one person, we like each other and we can lead long, abstract conversations and I would prefer things to stay that way.
Don't mix 'L o v e' into it.

Hey you see me, pictures crazy

2010-06-05T22:48:00.003+02:00

I still don't know what will happen next. I guess I will have to wait, at least few days. Till we have a spare moment to talk. Whatever the case may be, thank you for that day.
Cracow is good city for being kissed, embraced, touched. Very good city. The best one. Ok, that was just sweet.
I'm so chaotic right now.

Do you love me, do you hate me, do you wanna believe me?

2010-05-30T23:05:00.003+02:00

Very, very strange weekend. new, complicated relations appeared. Someone above the ground. Somebody I can't just evaluate as stupid or pathetic. somebody I find my equal. I may be wrong. I can easily get hurt by it, I know. It's just a feeling, and it may be wrong. I'm almost hundrer percent sure I'm wrong and I'm seen as an idiot.
I won't fall in love. I'm afraid. I don't want to destroy this good communication we have now.
This "understanding" is something fragile. something worth to be protected.

light my candle in a daze cause I found God

2010-05-07T18:15:00.003+02:00

It's good to have a friend. Someone who doesn't ask what's wrong and doesn't really want to know, but who is ready to hug you.
I feel... warmer than half an hour before.
It's good to know that besides all that weird emo kids, emotional vampires and hysterical girls I met, there are some truly good people. Maybe unemotional and distanced at first sight, but worth much more than "you are my only true friend, I love you, don't leave me" mates.
And I can't write in english. In academical english especially.
Ok, tea, make-up and I'm ready to conquer the world.

It's like a final chapter no one reads because the plot is over.

2010-04-27T16:38:00.002+02:00

It's not like I really want to cry
I'd like to vomit. Seriously
We, people, are pathetic, little beings. stupid in so many different ways it is almost fantastic.
Find someone to be with only because you want to be free from loving someone else. No matter who it will be, no matter where he or she will be found. Doesn't matter to you, right? No matter how this person will feel about it and how the relation will turn out to be.
Yopu just want to PROVE. to SHOW us, and probably yourself, that you can forget and you are not chained to anyone, that you CAN find another friends. Better and not toxic friends. And you don't even bother to care about people on whose shoulders you've been crying your heart out through last few months. You just expect them to be happy for you. nevermind tbat your negative emotions and your strange ways of thinking intoxicated them and made them sick.
I don't blame you.
This is just so... pathetic. So human.
also...
talk all your time about what and who you hate and how you don't want to do something. Don't you, girls, have ANY life besides our uni? Like... seriously?
This is sad.
p a t h e t i c
I think I'm gonna vomit.

...
„You seem incredibily faraway to me, like someone on the other side of the lake. A dot so small that is isn’t male or female or young or old; it is just smiling”
(Miranda July, "the swim team"

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down

2010-04-17T22:53:00.002+02:00

Just watch your steps, baby. The line is very thin, you should be carefull. Or you will fall down with this bridge.
Dance, dance, dance
And watch your steps.

Love myself better than you, I know it's wrong, so what should I do?

2010-04-08T23:17:00.002+02:00

How should I interpret this "cool and lonely style"? But ok, probably I don't want to know.
We are happy, egoistic people.
Good night.

April is the cruelest month

2010-04-07T10:23:00.003+02:00

How much Elliot had to drink to write "waste land"?
Hangover.
Like... seriously. First time since December I'm suffering due to intoxication. God. I almost forgot how it feels. I just wanted to smoke some hookah with friends, I didn't want to drink wine my father produced, I didn't want to add this wine to sheesha instead of water, I didn't want to make green jelly. I didn't want to have hangover, I don't deserve it.
I'm genius. I can piss off my mother only by going to kitchen to get some water and answering few questions. I just told her that I have no idea how to make printer work, I've got hangover and I'm going to Katowice on weekend and I was hundred percent sure I told her about it before. All of theese are true.
And well, I received good news yesterday. I'm glad. I don't like to watch things fall apart and I felt terrible being involved and not involved at the same time.
On the other hand... There are people who seem likeable only when they are in their downs. Gregory House for example.

changed, changed utterly: A terrible beauty is born.

2010-03-28T12:44:00.002+02:00

Ok, I don't really get it. I mean, I'm not sure whose fault it is, but every time we all fail and do stupid things, that girl is the one, who dissapoints me the most. It is sad, because I really don't expect anything big, any acts of altruism or maturity - it is not the case. And somehow she is still able to make me feel all alone. Every. single time.
Perhaps it's because the rest of us prefer to move near the edges, to feel this hints of danger, and she is more or less in the safe middle, just like me. And she just loves to turn her back and say 'I don't care, it's not my problem' while it more her problem than mine.
And I can't really decide, whether I like Yeats or not. I mean, his rhymes are kind of simple and after some time annoying, but some verses are just... woah, they are spells. they have this power.

maybe it's because I'm the one of us to survive

2010-03-22T17:20:00.001+01:00

Bah
Dragon is hungry. Again. Fuck.

rape me, my friend

2010-03-07T16:00:00.002+01:00

Probably I'm overreacting like always, but...
I guess I understand what Cobain ment by this lyrics. I mean, 'rape' in the sense of overusing somone's trust. Doing something you'd never, ever expected. It hurts. I will forgive, obviously I will, but...
God, we're so hopeless as human beings. We should be antyhing else, even dragons, but no, not humans.

You must have been so high

2010-02-23T23:52:00.003+01:00

Ok, yeah, I was mumbling about winter and boredom and grey, depressing world, but c'mon.It was gloomy and sad, I was crying like...about half of the night, next day I got up early in the morning, it wasn't dark outside, then after yeah... fascinating practical grammar classes, I went on Piotrkowska street. God, it was first warmer day already and it was almost possible to f e e l, how the street is waking up, resurecting, whatever. People with instruments, cameras, foreign students... It is absolutely fabulous! today new literature classes with new instructor, she looks like witch from those russian horror stories my friend lent me. Scary like hell. She is almost a dwarf and she had this evil hidden deep in her eyes. And yeah, it is the point when new reading list for this semester is something I can get excited about. 20th century is nice, I remember half of those books and it will be nice to read them once again.
And I finished first part of my... hm..novel? Novella?"Impossibly plain vision". Very much roleplaying story, I started to write it because friend I'm usually playing with has her matura exams and therefore she is ignoring me currently. Our characters are there, they're back in early 1990's. 1994, yeah The year Kurt Cobain died. I know it's stupid, very, very stupid, but sometimes I wish i was born few years earlier. Partly because of the history and partly because of good music which I discovered too late. No chances to see and experience live version at all.
And you know, passing from winter downs to enthusiasm, empathy, poppies and creativity gives weird impression. I'm feeling... high
lol.

it's now my duty to completely drain you

2010-02-12T22:59:00.003+01:00

Damn, my computer broke down, I'm using my parents laptop which is kind of shitty.
I'm continuing the idea of deconstructions and creations, I'm writing some kind of weird story about angels in the city. Feels so good to feel again. Too much Nirvana, I've got no music, only some old CD's, including their discography. Somehow is kind of... cool. I mean, no computer, just few minutes which I can make when my mum is not at home, listening to music I was keen on when i was in prep. school, good old times are back again.
I don't know if what I feel is being sorry for troubles with your girlfriend and compassion or the feelings I had for you and I still have some. C'mon, I'm a woman, I need to feel attractive, I admitt it, I need intimate contact. I just... feel need to sexual relatinship with someone. Or maybe it's just the hope for spring.

In the someday what's that sound

2010-02-06T15:09:00.003+01:00

I don't want to feel depressed, tired and sick of everything! I want to feel light, better, changed. I need metamorphose, I need spring, I need fire, power, energy!
"...Need to express, to comunicate!
to going agaist the brain, going insane, going mad"
Deconstructions and creations help, but somehow... I feel they are bad. Fascinating somehow, tempting, full of destructive power, but not exactly good for me. Destructive, yes. Because you have right to destroy and cut in pieces everything and you're not supposed to feel sorry for it, it's just a piece of paper and you will use it to create something else. I'm already slightly obsessed about scissors and pictures in newspapers.
I want to... I want to cut my hair short... I mean shorter than they are after wisiting hairdresser. She dyed them pink, yes, splendid. Now they look like bubble gum. Bubble gum art is still art. The problem is, I want to have rainbow in my hair, I want them to be short and colorfull, and no hairdresser with slightest feel of taste will help me do it.

And I swallowed his fasade, cause I'm so eager to identify

2010-02-01T15:26:00.002+01:00

And the winter exam session begins. Damn, I almost forgot how annoying it it. I got B from psychology and A from basics of sociology. Shame that I'm resigning from this course anyway.
Have been to Cracow, visited shisha bar. And I want to go somewhere again, when I find the oportunity. It's so depressing here during winter.

"... with someone above the ground,someone who seemed to feel the same,someone prepared to lead the way, with someone who would die for me"
I've never thought I would really feel those lyrics so deeply.

I know, you love the song but not the singer

2010-01-23T14:51:00.005+01:00

We can put it this way, as well. Guy just loved being with a girl, feeling fast heartbeat and so on. Not the singer. There can be another singer. With easier access. Stupid me to believe that I depend on stupid you? Oh, well, not like I really care now. It's a little bit sad, anyways.
I
a m
i n d i f f e r e n t

ps: January is the hell of a month. Too much love and rejection in the air. And somehow never in my life, just everywhere around. Damn
I wish I was in Cracow today.

Dream brother, my killer, my lover

2010-01-06T18:39:00.002+01:00

I hate this month. C'mon, it's cold, it's snowing all the time, and there are no holiday to look forward to. No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no, and it's begginning to snow. Again.
There are only winter exams, coming closer and closer each day. I'm amost glad because of them. I have something to think about, I need to concentrate, plan everything in advance. Essays to write, books to read, materials to prepare. No room to think about faraway future, "what if" and "oh my god, I think I love him in my own way, but I don't want to be with him anyway, and besides he doesn't love me back, because why would he and...".
There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.
I'm in some kind of romantic mood right now. I'm reading Wuthering Heights, I watched "Sid and Nancy" few days ago, "rent" was on tv yesterday... yeah.

Your eyes, I say your eyes may look like his

2009-12-27T15:13:00.000+01:00

Don't you want somebody to love,
Don't you need somebody to love,
Wouldn't you love somebody to love,
You'd better find somebody to love.

So annoying. And so true.
Aaaarght -.-

Enjoy the ride, the medicine show

2009-12-18T13:33:00.002+01:00

According to 60th episode of House, I suffer serious lack of Vitamine B12.
This 'sense of guilt' thing, and so on. Pathetic.
It's kind of freezy outside. Few more days like this and I'd probably hate this wet, white thing falling from above.

That's the doubt - doubt, not trust in it

2009-12-12T13:40:00.003+01:00

It will be ok
It will be ok
IT WILL BE OK!
I'm sure it will be ok!
Waiting for a message, huh.
...
If I am nervous about something I'm not involved in, how do involved people feel right now?

Find a friend in whom you can confide. Julien, you're a slow motion suicide

2009-12-08T21:45:00.004+01:00

And the winter came. With cold days, landscapes behind the window of the train, Frankenstein and my beloved chocolate black devils.
My old phone is alive again, but I cannot connect it to my computer. damn.
I'm feeling lazy, warm and I'm enjoying my apple and cinnamon scent candles.
I'd like to read "Tender is the night" by Fitzgerald. I love sound of this title.

'Cause you're as individual as this cold world will allow you, brother

2009-11-11T23:18:00.002+01:00

Hello again.
It's delightfully ironic (my favourite phrase from Robot Devil :D ) how big power our life has over our current interests. Books we read, songs we are listening to, movies we are watching. And the other way round.
Obvious, I know. But delightfully ironic anyway.

C'est le malaise du moment, l'épidémie qui s'étend

2009-11-03T22:40:00.002+01:00

La fête est finie on descend
Les pensées qui glacent la raison
Paupières baissées, visage gris
Surgissent les fantômes de notre lit
On ouvre le loquet de la grille
Du taudis qu'on appelle maison

God, I'm totally into Placebo right now. And I'm thinking... I've read two previous entries, which were... ok, they were basically rants, I admitt. And in both of them I found this 'you-have-no-right-to...' phrase. What's with attitude? I mean... it's rather radical way of thkinking. Funny, usually I'm saying this kind of things when I'm drunk. Subconsiousness?
Yay, I will be the second Kira. And this world is rotten. Yes, I wrote something like this year ago, I still think like that, but you know what? I'm fascinated with this rotten world, and that's something new. And I guess I've really accepted this fact. No checkpoints anymore. It is hard though, and I think my growing more and more angry is price for living here and now.
Anyway.. Today I wrote two entries on two different portals, with more or less the same title and completelly different content.

Soon there'll be nothing left of me, nothing left to release

2009-10-28T22:28:00.003+01:00

Do I really need to start every entry with 'fuck'?!
I guess so...well then... f u c k
God, it seems that people on the Uni have certain age and something like... more or less reasonable attitude towards life. I mean, they do not have this "I pay you, so I demand certain conveniences" kind of thinking. It was understandable - partially - in my high school, where we really had to pay tuition, but come on, it was high school, we were young and stupid. Ok, I was full of understanding during the first year, because we were new, we came from different schools, we didn't know what's going on and where are the toilets and so on... But I'm just not able to tolerate stupidity on second year. And I won't. Just so.

Hello, girls, wake up!
- Yes, we are on the second year.
- Yes, we are obliged to bring the materials for classes, yes, we have to go to the library, find them, copy and pay with our own money. So tiring, I think I can't bear with it. And we have to read this long books, articles, analysis. Horrible.
- Yes, classes last one and half an hour, not 45 or 60 minutes. No, nobody cares to change it because you have problems with concentration and can't sit in one place longer than 60 minutes.
- Yes, nobody cares that you have to learn descriptive grammar you probably will never need in your life, because you're not going to take specialisation in it. And drama, literature and poetry. And lingusitic. And USA and British Culture. And methodology. And speaking, writing, pracitical grammar and phonetics. Oh, wait, so what exactly are you about to take on your specialization?
- And yes, my dear angels, exams at the end of the term are to eliminate students. And they eliminate students, believe it or not. It's just foolish of you to claim, that They have no right to fail us and 'Can you imagine? this stupid bastard, how could he?! for what reason, she was learning this time". . They have the right to do everything what they wish. For whatever sick reason. Accept it. Deal with it. Or get the fuck out.
- finally - yes, we are fucking adults and we are on the fucking stationary studies on University. We don't have to pay any tuition, and so we DON'T have to learn anything, we DON'T have to read books and articles, we DON'T have to attend the classes and participate in them, we are NOT obliged to study here in general. But for Christ's sake,if we don't do any of those basic things, we have absolutely no right to moan and critisize every teacher we have contact with.

Yes, I know, I'm frantic over obvious things, but I spend like... one day every week listening to stupid claims and demands from people, who are not even feel like doing anything usefull, they just sit and talk about how they hate american literature teacher instead of reading few pages, so they would know anything and be more or less able to answer her questions.
So... yes, I am annoyed. Seriously annoyed. At the verge of shouting on innocent people.
Thank you for attention, goodnight.

things have never been so swell, I have never failed to fail

2009-10-23T22:43:00.007+02:00

Fuck
It's been long time since I was so full of negative energy. I'm not sad or tired anymore, now I'm just angry. Which is actually good, because in my case being angry is creative. Because when I'm angry I want to do something, say something, that I wouldn't probably say any other day. I wrote to annoying dA girl what I think about her 'I'm-so-hated-and-nobody-loves-me-I-want-to-kill-myself" journal entries, and guess what? I feel great now. And I will be probably ashamed of it the other day.
And what annoys me even more, is the fact that the person I am so mad with is unavailable right now. I can write a message or leave comment somewhere - which I did - but when she comes back, I won't be so angry with her anymore and I won't start a quarrel, because I won't care anymore.
And she won't care, that because of her few words, this stupid "sorry, I've got to go" I felt like the lonliest person in the world - against the problem which appeared too big for me. Because, you know, I was counting on her at that moment, I called her because I thought she would give me some idea or backup or whatever. Ok, I've never had big expectations or delusions towards her, and...
God, it's even more sad that she still was able to dissapoint me.
C'mon girl, if you are really so worried about someone you like and you really want to help him, do it next time. I've tried, I did my best, and you have no law to criticise me and suggest, that if everything turns bad direction now, you will blame me. It's just pathetic.
Arrrghhhht

Sometimes you can't make it on your own

2009-10-14T22:35:00.002+02:00

Hell yeah, my studies in english philology are warm and fluffy. People who were supposed to stay on first year are still with us. So lovely. My studies in sociology are... err... I've been there twice since inauguration, I even don't really know my group. I generally recognize the faces, but, oh, nevermind, I don't care.
Started smoking again. Fuck. Not that I ever truly stopped though.
I love the world, I love my friends, don't you want somebody to love, oh, don't you need somebody to love... dam dam dam
Some problems arise somewhere, on the margin, failures in comumnication, etc, but not today, my dear, not today. Life is life, there are always some not-nice things around. Just don't look at them.
It's snowing outside there. wtf?

sweet, sweet, sweet, used to be so sweet to me

2009-09-25T23:44:00.004+02:00

And something called 'bitter victory' took place. I've shown my poetry teacher that I'm not stupid and I deserve her respect. So what?
Part of my old grupu didn't pass exams from descriptive grammar and probably they will have to takie 1st. year course one more time. This sucks. Really. During all school period I had lousy classmates, and now, I have to part with people who Ilike and respect over and over again.
And some poeople even don't care to ask, what's up in my world, even though we had no contact during last few days. Nevermind them. Just nevermind.
I've been wondering... some books like "We, children from banhoff Zoo", or polish "pamiętnik narkomanki" were written to shock and show kids that taking hard drugs is evil. But what if somebody would start to consider the idea of close and regular meetings with needle after reading them? That would be delightfully ironic.

run where you''ll be safe, to the garden gate

2009-09-11T10:28:00.002+02:00

We know it. We can already feel it. The end of the season
End of summer. It was a good one anyway.
I'm sitting in the garden, eating grapes, reading, wondering, how this end will look like.
Sunny and peacefull or full of storms and rain? I like the first option, it seems to be more suitable, more convinient. We'll see.

- It's a brand new day, what should I do? - Kill yourself

2009-09-07T15:56:00.002+02:00

Geez -.-
Srsly I should take something that would help me calm down. Pennyroyal tea or whatever. Or just go and see good psychologist.
Since... I don't know, last Wednesday I'm annoyed and anxious almost all the time. My parents are irritating, my grandma is... my grandma, you know. People on the streets are stupid, people in tv are just pathetic, some of my friends are on late holiday, some are back in school, some are ignoring me without any special reason, some are just being themselves. For example my friends from uni decided, that they want to retake poetry exam at the very end of the month. Since this exam is the main reason of my irritation, I want it to be over as soon as possible, but they have also other exams to pass and well, I have only this one and I should pass it without problems because I'm reading stupid poems which are not even written in english.
This. is. so. unfair. Just because they were too lazy or careless to pass them in June, doesn't mean that I have to suffer and grow more and more anxious.
And I lost very important letter from library today. And I'm not feeling like looking for it.
Yeah, yeah, I know, life's a bitch and then you die.
Peace, love and... there is no such world like 'aronia' in english. Stupid country.

Wake me up when September ends

2009-09-02T00:27:00.002+02:00

Because September will be long, cold, poor and full of english poetry. Everybody loves english poetry.
Yes, Now I understand what was Green Day singing about. They were student's and they wanted exams to be over.
At this point I'm too lazy to learn, to work, to think about studies, to write. I just want September to be over as soon as possible.
And I quit smoking. On Friday. And today I asked some guy in the pub for a cigarette. Red Malboro, mmm. And tomorrow most probably I will be drinking and smoking. Perfect.
No, I'm not depressed. I have this feeling of stagnation. Lack of creativity.
Or whatever

Peace, love, candles!

Don't let me know we're invisible

2009-08-15T11:46:00.001+02:00

Button-eyed people will get us. Sooner or later.